The separation between these questions is often part of the dissonance I experience.
Do I accept who I currently am, and recognize I am trying to be more?
I have always struggled with the journey of how to achieve my end goal. (Despite the subtitle of the site.) I have found along the way that I never really end up satisfied with the end. There is always something more to do and to become.
Inherently, this is expected. There always should be more. But it can make the pathway rather difficult. I don’t often look around. I don’t learn to enjoy the journey. I don’t take time to see what is along the way.
At some level, I’m going too fast.
Consider driving.
In a car, you’re limited to what you can see outside of windows.
You can go a long way in a short time, but you only see what is most obvious. You don’t see blades of grass, grains of sand, specific trees, or animals.
Riding a bike (historically my favorite mode of travel) you travel a much shorter distance, and you aren’t limited by the metal surrounds of a car. You see and feel the travel occur. Because the travel is slower, you can see things better. Geographic formations, trees, branches, etc.
But you still can’t investigate and enjoy them for what they are.
Hiking allows you to stop crouch and investigate what is along the way. You don’t see as much as you would during another form of travel, but you see deeper.
As an academic, I’ve always held the level and depth of understanding of PhDs as the highest in a field.
(There are arguments of industry vs. academia, but industry tends to break rules to answer business questions, and academia is incentivized to not keep up with the pace of industry. But neither of these is the point.)
The amount of study, reading, and devotion to a specific topic necessary to earn a PhD requires a deep level of understanding of a specific subject, and related subjects.
Very few people ever achieve this level of knowledge.
My point is I’ve been diving in cars and riding bikes in how I approach life.
I’ve missed the details because I was trying to see vast and distant wonders.
And I’ve done that.
But I’ve sacrificed depth of experience and understanding to experience breadth.
There is value to breadth. But it seems the season for breadth has passed. I have felt for several years it is time for me to become an expert in a subject. To know it inside and out. To have the PhD level of knowledge of a subject.
It’s time to dive deep. It’s time to hike a single trail and learn every detail along it. To learn the process of learning and tracking the details.
And yes, I have vastly wide and differing interests, and there will be time to investigate these.
But I need to learn the details of one trail, so I can apply it to every trail.
If I am going to resolve the dissonance between who I am and who I want to be, I have to learn into things I am not, and gain skills to acquire them.