I do. It’s just fact.
What was once the thing around which my life revolved is now just another thing I want out of my life.
What’s wrong with me?
This is not the reaction I should have. I worked for years to understand the game the way I do, but everything seems to be collapsed now. I think it’s connected to high school season. I think I took a mentality that didn’t understand enough and was unsure how to accomplish what I wanted.
So there’s that.
Some of it is probably due to residual disappointment.
But every single time I realize I have to go to the gym for practice, I just don’t want to.
Did my experience change my attitude? Do I associate many negative thoughts with those experiences? Is there a major aspect of trauma involved with what I went through? Absolutely. And that keeps me from enjoying it now.
Like everything else in my life, when I don’t have a passion for it, I push it away. This is less true for people, but became common as I was working on my master’s degree. At that point, I realized I had accomplished everything I needed to scholastically to give me a leg up in the world, so doing more than what I wanted was superfluous.
That’s why I started the volleyball club in the first place. I wanted to apply things I’d learned in an authentic setting.
To some extent, the same thing happened with teaching. I became majorly disenfranchised and knew I had to get myself out.
This pattern worries me, but I’m not sure what to do about it.